To the person struggling with a mental illness,
At one point in my life, I felt as low and as sad as you. I went through the motions of life in a shell of a body that was weighed down by the pure sadness I felt every minute of every day. Everyday things, like waking up and getting out of a bed posed as a struggle for me. I used sleep as an escape mechanism to avoid all of the feelings of sadness and fear I felt. Going to school or work was emotionally and physically draining. I did my best to avoid social situations because embarrassment I felt when I was around others. I felt like I was never good enough and would never be good enough for those people that made me feel smaller than them.
At first, no one could tell I was feeling so dark inside. I shellacked my face with makeup and a big smile and told myself that everything would be okay. I could put on this faucaud just long enough until I could get home to my room and burry my head into my fluffy brown pillow and cry into the late hours of the night. Eventually, I couldn’t keep it together any longer.
A Youtube video I created about Mental Illness
I no longer could keep up with the maintenance of pretending to be okay and wore nothing but holey sweatpants and stained baggy tee shirts to school. I felt like no one acknowledged my existence or cared the slightest bit about me. So why would I spend time to dress up for a place where no one noticed me? With my head wedged between my hands under my chin, I tried not to fall asleep in school or at work because of all of the hours of sleep I lost being tormented by my anxiety. I did my best to never make eye contact with anyone because I knew if someone could look into my eyes for more than three seconds, they would know something was wrong with me. And it worked…no one knew.
My life was moving in a downwards spiral and it was moving rapidly.
The people around me only made the spiral move faster. Everyday, I was bullied for my appearance or for a rumor that was going around about me. It was so bad, I started to believe what the voices were saying.
“Her existence is just annoying”
“No one likes her”
“She could just die and no one would care.”
My body was numb. My mind was numb. My soul was numb. Everything was numb.
When April came, I wasn’t able to leave my bed. It wasn’t just that I didn’t want to, I physically couldn’t. I broke my personal record and managed to stay in my house for eleven days without leaving the house. My bed was my safe space and it was my best friend. It held me every night when I cried and kept me warm through all of the misery I was facing. My bed had done its job and I felt that its job was over. I felt that I didn’t even deserve to have the warmth that the bed provided me. I felt like I deserved to be cold. The type of cold that makes your limbs go numb and you can’t feel anything but the cold air smacking you in the face pushing you down.
April 9th, 2016 was a bright and beautiful spring day but for me, it was the darkest day. The birds were chirping and flowers were blooming. New life was starting but one was about to end. No one needed me.
My life was over in 3….2….
I ended up being hospitalized at the Virginia Children’s Treatment Center in Richmond, Virginia. After going through multiple tests, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
During my time in the hospital, my doctors explained my mental illnesses to me. They showed me a chart of my brain and showed me where the bridges had broken. My brain no longer produced dopamine and serotonin because of previous head trauma and genetics that were passed down to me. They assured me that I would be okay and that a lot of people also suffered from depression. After understanding my diagnosis and talking to others around me, I learned that I wasn’t alone.
The other patients on my floor were just like me. They thought they were a waste of space and needed help in order to get better. Every patient had their own special talents and features that made them beautiful and unique in their own individual way. I wanted them to see what I saw in them and how I knew they would change the world. I wanted, more than anything, for them to see past the sadness that clouded their vision and realize how much they were loved. Everytime another patient’s family would come in, I would smile. They were loved and they realized they were loved.
The New Virginia Children’s Treatment Center
But even after my diagnosis and treatment, I still had a difficult time with coming to terms about why this all would happen. Why did this happen? Why did mental illness come along and decide to personally victimize me? Why did I almost have to die in order to get better?
My mental illness has made me stronger.
After being released from the hospital and spending three months on a treatment plan, I became a happier person. I felt like this situation was a way to get a second chance at life. I was able to get a chance to start over but I wanted to do it on my own terms. I worked hard to get better mentally and physically. I wasn’t going to let my mental illness defeat me.
There is no such thing as a magical pill that treats all problems and solves all mental illnesses. You have to want to work at it everyday. And it’s tough. But you will get better.
Three years later, I’m typing this in my beautiful house as a college senior. I’m a mental health nonprofit owner with the most adorable dog and cat. I never thought in a million years I would be where I am right now. I did not let my mental illness hold me down.
My boyfriend and I in our house!
I write this letter to assure who ever is reading this that life gets better. My journey with mental illness has only made me stronger and has helped me inspire other humans battling with illness. I have come to believe that we are only thrown the struggles in our life that we are able to handle.
So to the reader of this letter, I have a message for you. You are beautiful in your own way and can never be replaced. Even at this very moment in time you may so unloved or not cared about, I can promise you that you are. You are one of the most valuable and prized things that this Earth has to offer. No one can remake or copy you because you are a literal one-of-a-kind gem.
Without you, who would your family have to call theirs? Who would your friends have to wave to? Who would your dog have to cuddle? Who would I have to write this letter to? Who would do the things that you and only you are capable of doing?
You are irreplaceable to this world.
There is only one smile like yours, one mind like yours, one laugh like yours and only one of you. I can promise you that life will get better. Though this chapter may be difficult, I promise, your life is worth living. You are worth every single inch of space that you take up on this Earth and you are needed here.
My favorite affirmations for self love
Your mental illness does not define you, you define you.
xoxo
Lauren Brocious
Never keep it a secret if a friend tells you about a plan to hurt themselves. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) so that you can find out what resources are available in your area, or encourage your loved one to call. Calls are routed to the Lifeline center closest to your area code that can provide you with local resources.